Well, I’m off the AT again and for good this time, at least for this year.
Over the two years that I planned this journey I was so focused on the joy of leaving work behind, so concentrated on figuring out what gear was going to work for me, and so bent on preparing myself mentally and physically for the task of walking through 14 states that I didn’t think about leaving Kristin much. Perhaps I was intentionally avoiding the thought. Perhaps I didn’t think it would be a big deal. From the moment we separated in Maine it was a struggle. It is absolutely true that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I’m incredibly thankful that I met Durham and Solar Wolf. The ability to get to know a couple people kept me distracted and allowed me to enjoy the journey. On the day we hiked to White House Landing, four days in, we stopped at a stream for a break. We were talking about how beautiful the scenery was and how amazing it felt to be able to stop and put our tired feet in the water. We found a spot where the riverbed was a bunch of half dollar sized pebbles. We leaned on the edge of a large boulder, standing in the water, and moved our feet back and forth across those rocks. It was heaven, nature’s original foot massage. I thought about Kristin during that stop and there were instantly tears in my eyes. That’s just how it had been for the last four days. I had to divert my thoughts quickly or risk having to explain to my two compadres why I was crying for apparently no reason in the middle of the trail.
The heartache hurt more than the miles did. It was one of the factors I weighed in whether to take a bus home. I knew there was a risk I might come home and never make it back out. I got back on the trail anyway, but as I stopped for the night there were no new friends to enjoy, and I was still able to communicate with Kristin via cell phone. I thought, “Is this how it’s going to be the whole way?” Was I going to be constantly looking for other hikers to befriend so that I could take my mind off of missing my wife? That’s not really what I wanted for my hike. I also didn’t like the idea of hiking north, then back south, after I had already started in Maine. It just wasn’t the same for me and if I was going to walk 2,189.1 miles I was going to do it the way I wanted to. This would mean driving back to Maine to where I got off.
Subjecting myself to additional heartache would be a self-imposed pain. There was no job for me to go back to, nor would there be anytime soon. It’s also my hope that Kristin will be job-free in the near future, if that is her choice. Why couldn’t I just wait a little longer, and then we could hike together? I believe I could have completed this hike anyway but I would rather wait and enjoy the scenery and her company. My pack weighed enough as it was. I didn’t want to walk 2,000 miles with a heavy heart as well.
The only thing that really bothers me about not completing the journey is that I said I would. So many times people have asked me about it over the last two years. I know people were rooting for me and a tiny part of me feels like I have let them down. However, doing something for that reason alone is a trap and is not a valid single reason to be doing anything. There is certainly no one more disappointed than me, given the time that I put into this dream. Yet I don’t regret for one second making the decision to stop so that I can be with Kristin. It was an incredible learning, life experience and I know that it will only be the first step in bigger adventures to come. This dream certainly isn’t dead for me, I’m just putting it on the back burner for now. The evolution of my dream might even be a different trail. I’m open to anything that will allow us to be filled with wonderment, as I was for those four days in Maine.
Maybe this was the lesson I was supposed to learn in all of this. Over the last few years I’ve realized that our bond with other people is one of the most rewarding, powerful, and satisfying things we have, a source of incredible happiness. Best of all, it’s virtually free, costing nothing more than the time needed to get to know others.
Hiking Thru 
Congratulations on what you were able to do and yes love is a very strong bond and you have made me a proud Aunt. I was so happy to see you this past Sunday and Kristin too. She looked so happy and I could tell she is very Proud of you. Wade you hang onto those dreams and you will be able to do them when the time is right. You are a very lucky person to have a wife to stand by you the way Kristin has done. You two have a very Special Bond and don’t ever lose that. Words of wisdom are very strong. Continue to do the things that you have planned on in North Carolina. Build that beautiful home for your wife and the family that the two of you have dreams for.
God Bless you Both with lots of good Health and lots of Love !!
“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” ― Lao Tzu :
Always remember the steps you did take.
There are so many blessings to see surrounding the journey you did make. You learned a lot about the planning and preparing and you learned about a huge support system growing in support for you and praying for you. You learned a lot about yourself. We are made by God to be in relationship with one another. Life is hard and the beauty is, that we don’t have to do it alone. What a blessing to know that you want your partner/your wife to be there for your journey…..whatever journey you take. A lot of people live life never realizing that. Good luck in all your adventures and may God continue to bless you and guide you along the way.
-Melissa Hilliard
If you decide to do an epic adventure that is not the AT, I can personally recommend doing a NOLS course. I learned almost everything I know about how to fully and safely enjoy the most remote places imaginable on courses I took decades ago in Montana and Wyoming. My wife and I still enjoy alumni courses (Baja and Italian Dolomites so far). I know we don’t really know each other but I think you might get a lot out of it. http://www.nols.edu/courses/
Happy Trails…………..
-Patrick
Thanks for the suggestion, Patrick! I will definitely consider that for future endeavors.
Dude! You didn’t fail. You just found more data to use to master Your Journey! Most people will never even try.
When I had to end my section hike because of injury I was bummed for a long time about it. In the end you just need to remember to Hike Your Own Hike. Your experience and mind and body won’t be like anyone else’s. You made good choices for yourself and at least got out there and hiked
The one constant in life is change and now, so have your dreams. You realized exactly how important it is for you to be able to share this experience with Kristin. I have no doubt you two can make it happen down the road if you choose. It might look different but the “magic moments” will be even better sharing them with your partner. I do believe my prayer at the campground the morning you left was answered in more ways than one. God works in mysterious ways! Mom
You did a great job and miles farther than everyone else sitting on couch watching TV. Enjoy the ride, it is a hell of a lot of fun.
I know it might be disappointing to be so focused on completing the trail, but I think this might give you some time to reflect on the whole experience. It’s amazing how strong our connection is with others when it’s tested to its limit.
No worries though! Now you have the opportunity of waiting just a little longer and possibly doing the hike together! You could always do like me and my wife do and go out on 4 day backpacking trips to keep refining our gear. Every time we consider adding an extra day to push our limits.
In any case, everything’s a learning experience, even if it’s learning about yourself. 🙂
Congrats on making it as far as you did. And not pushing through for the sake of completing the hike. It’s hard to dream about something, achieve it, and then give it up before completion. I dreamed of playing college basketball. I spent a semester in school playing ball. It didn’t feel right. I quit to achieve the next dream and get the life I wanted. It was the second hardest decision of my life. And I can’t go back to re-live that dream. You can someday accomplish your hiking dream in a more fitting way at almost any point in the future. Best of luck with the house and whatever comes next.