Failing Forward

Thursday night Kristin dropped me off at the trail head off I-70 and I set out for Annapolis Rocks to camp for the night. I was carrying mostly new gear with me. New shoes, a new pack, a tent, sleeping pad, and top quilt. All gear changes made over the past week courtesy of REI and Wilderness Logics. I planned to hike north into Pennsylvania for the next four days, stopping somewhere on Memorial Day. I reached Annapolis Rocks with a good hour of sunlight left and hung out for a while just taking in the view. It started raining a bit, enough that I opened my umbrella to cover my pack so it would stay dry. I refilled my water from the spring nearby and found an empty campsite to set up in. It was a warm night. This was the first weather I’ve been out in that will be similar to Maine in July. The overnight lows for the area were forecast to be in the mid-60’s, and at elevation I figured it would still be about 60 degrees.

It took me a while to fall asleep, as the sleeping pad was new to me, but I felt much more comfortable in the tent than I did in my hammock. I awoke Friday morning and figured it must have been 8 or 9 am, though I was still pretty tired. I figured this was due to waking up several times in the night, but then I looked at my phone and it was just before 7:00 am. No wonder I was still tired! I’m rarely up that early during the work week. Amazing how daylight will automatically wake you up. I slowly packed things up, knowing the earlier I got started the earlier I would need to stop. I had my second MRE, a breakfast one with a scary looking sausage patty and a pancake. I chewed the gum afterward just in case, Paul!

I was moving by 8:30 and I had covered about 6 miles by noon. Around 2:00 pm I hit an exceedingly difficult climb, 600 feet of elevation gain over half a mile or so. My energy levels were on empty, and it was the hottest part of the day. I knew I needed more calories but my stomach felt full from all the water I had been drinking to stay hydrated. By the time I reached the top of the climb I was wondering how in the world I was going to climb Katahdin on my first day. Katahdin is over 4,000 feet of elevation gain over 5 miles. It would be the equivalent of the the climb I struggled to make 7 times over. My legs were capable by my heart was not; I’m not as conditioned as I should be. I stopped at least three times during that climb because I could feel my core temperature rising with my heart rate and I knew continuing would mean fainting or possibly a heatstroke.

I was completed gassed after the climb. My mind was thinking nothing but negative thoughts and I wanted to be anywhere but where I was. It was at that moment I realized the irony of my position. I thought a thru-hike would be a great way to experience freedom but here I sat feeling like I was imprisoned. I couldn’t teleport myself somewhere else; I had no choice but to keep going. It actually felt claustrophobic because all I could see was the woods. I was completely surrounded by tree canopy, no open sky anywhere. In that moment, my time in the woods felt exactly like my time at work and that notion of freedom was shattered.

I trudged on for another couple of miles, reaching a side trail for High Rock. By this point I was questioning everything I was doing. I wanted nothing more than to call someone and leave but I knew doing so meant it was likely the end of my thru-hike aspirations in their current form. I was at a loss. I had been building this dream up for the last two years and I was having to face the reality that it might not be what I thought it would. I took my pack off and just laid in the middle of the trail for a while. I texted Kristin, explaining my predicament. No one could reach me for a few hours anyway so I figured I’d hike the 3 miles to Pen Mar. Perhaps I would come to my senses and I’d camp for another night. I could wake in the morning feeling like it was another glorious day. Somehow I accidentally took the side trail and ended up at High Rock. The view was stunning and there was a paved road, a big parking lot, and an open area with shade. I decided I’d had enough and told Kristin to come get me. I’d packed a book for this trip so I spent the next two hours reading while she made the drive up. By the time she reached me it had cooled considerably and I felt much better than I had just a few hours earlier. Still I threw my pack in the car and we drove home.

They say the ability to complete a long distance hike is 90% mental. That is no frickin’ joke! It’s amazing how you can experience such a range of emotions just walking through the woods. I still haven’t made up my mind about what I’m going to do but here are some of my thoughts.

A Bum Knee
In January 2014, my left knee gave out in a volleyball game. An MRI was inconclusive. The doctor said there was some minor evidence of an ACL tear, but he wasn’t certain. Based on my symptoms I strongly suspected it was. Unfortunately, there are only two remedies to an ACL tear. Surgery, or exercise to strengthen all the surrounding muscles in the knee. Over the last year I have not been very active. My desk job provides no exercise and my initiative outside of work has been lacking. This is entirely my fault. On my hike two weekends ago, I tweaked something in that knee again and the problem still lingers. The level of pain comes and goes but it raises the question of whether hiking 15-20 miles a day for days on end is even possible.

Overly Ambitious Timeline?
I know that my pace will improve after the first few weeks as I become more conditioned but I’m questioning if I have been too ambitious about how long it will take me to complete the hike. Five months would have me finishing at the end of November. That means moving through the Smokies in the middle of November, which carries the risk of winter weather that can cause significant problems. Really I had hoped to finish in four months. Most thru-hikers would tell you this is a very fast pace, but many folks take a bunch of zero days. I had planned to take just enough to do what I needed to. Without knowing how my lingering knee issues would play out on-trail, I question if it was unwise to have my timeline running right into winter. An earlier start would have left me extra time with fair weather. Instead, the longer it takes me the higher the risk is that I will face winter weather, the right combination of which could end the hike altogether.

This One Goes To 11
To compound my knee problem, I seem to only have one hiking speed and that’s GO! It’s something that happens subconsciously and I don’t tend to think about it until I notice my body starting to tire. The problem with this is that I’m not currently fit enough to hike 10-12 hours at that pace. Using Friday as an example, I probably should have stopped at the first shelter after that monstrous climb but it was only 2:00 pm. What was I going to do with the last 6 hours of daylight once I was there? My dream of thru-hiking does not include being bored half the day. You might think a little boredom wouldn’t be a big deal since I’d been active all day long but the combination of hiking at a speed that is physically taxing and constantly having to concentrate on where you are stepping means your mind doesn’t have the chance to wander. So for the last five hours I’d already been mentally idle. I craved mental stimulation by that point, which leads me to the next concern.

Being Alone
I thought being alone during a thru-hike would be nice, a chance to think and separate myself from civilization for a spell. What I didn’t realize is that too much of it feels maddening. I didn’t feel lonely so much as I missed the ability to use my brain by communicating with other people. The number of Southbound thru-hikers is only 10% of the number of Northbound thru-hikers. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I do need some social interaction to keep my sanity, even if it was only at the end of the day before going to sleep. With just limited experience, I can already see how the pull of a group could be so strong during a hike. The absence of mental stimulus all day would only serve to make the reward of communication and camaraderie that much more powerful. I now seriously question if I could hike for 120 days continuously without some type of mental stimulation on a regular basis, whether that was in the form of a hiking partner or simply hiking among enough people that you knew most nights there would be someone to talk to at a shelter.

I Love My Wife
I thought I wouldn’t have a problem being away from Kristin for four or five months. I would miss her but this was a dream that I really wanted to accomplish. Spending a few nights in the woods, devoid of conversation with anyone, and preparing for 120-150 days of this really drives home what it will feel like though. I found that what I thought and how I felt were an ocean apart. There is very much a part of me that would like her to share this dream with me. However, just because it is my dream doesn’t mean it is hers. I proceeded without her because the transition in our lives right now was the perfect opportunity for me to go, but not for both of us to go. Given a choice, I absolutely would prefer to take in those magic moments with her. I now wonder if having her with me to experience those moments is even more important to me than realizing this dream without her.

The Distraction of a Larger Dream
When I finished the thru-hike, I was to begin the process of building our house in North Carolina. As much as I am enamored with the thought of accomplishing a thru-hike, that dream doesn’t hold a candle to my North Carolina dream. I’m always thinking about North Carolina, more so than the hike, and I wonder if this distraction will prevent me from really getting what I wanted out of my experience on the AT.

…….

All of these questions, doubts, and realizations have me wondering if I haven’t set myself up for failure. It’s also possible that the dream is only one I wish to do, instead of actually doing it. I must consider that, given that I haven’t hiked from dawn to dusk with 30 pounds on my back prior to preparing for this adventure. Perhaps all this preparation has yielded information that makes it clear that I shouldn’t pursue this now. The Appalachian mountains aren’t going anywhere and a hiking partner and a stronger knee would probably give me a much better chance of finishing the thru-hike. The goal after all is to finish. If I simply wanted to get away I don’t need to quit my job and upend my life for that. The goal is to walk all 2,190 miles of the Appalachian Trail.

I find myself at peace with the thought of delaying the thru-hike if what I’ve learned means making me more prepared (adequately prepared?) and stronger for a future thru-hike attempt, perhaps with Kristin along with me. I am also okay with realizing a thru-hike is only a dream I wished for. All dreams begin this way and it is only upon pursuing them that we can find the ones that are so important that we must achieve them. If I pursued all my dreams with the passion I’ve had about this dream there would be a wasteland of discarded dreams around me. But I wouldn’t think of it for all the dreams I’d have accomplished. I simply wish to say thank you for sharing in this journey with me, whether I decide to head to Maine or if this has instead been a valuable life lesson and a stepping stone to greater things.

I Resigned

Edit: A comment made me realize this information conflicts with a recent post where I talked about delaying my last day until after my vacation. Thankfully over the weekend I woke up and realized this is what travel insurance is made for, so I’m covered.

Today I officially gave notice that June 10th will be my last day. I’m a little uncomfortable with the fact that I had to resign before my first multi-day hike, which will now be over Memorial Day weekend but there’s nothing I can do about that. My team leadership has known about my aspirations to thru-hike the Appalachian Trail for some time now and they have made it clear that if it doesn’t work out I am welcome back. I am happy that door will remain open because you never know. Injuries happen.

I find that with serious decisions like this I have conflicted emotions, debating the various points internally, until the decision is made. However, once made I am at peace with whatever decision I chose. One of my friends asked me how it felt and my answer is, “Odd,” because I feel almost nothing. That’s the peace working for me, when I guess you’d expect there to still be all these emotions going on.

The more startling aspect of the decision for me is that I’m leaving the workforce with no intention of finding another job, and I’ve been working since I was 16 years old. I think this would feel much more strange if I wasn’t laser-focused on my hike. Moreover, it is my hope that I’ll never work again beyond hobby jobs. That’s a story for another day, though, and there are a lot of miles between here and there.

I am glad that I chose to document this journey, not only for the journey’s sake, but because it is capturing a huge transition in my life, and I think it will be great to be able to look back on this years from now and share it with my children and grandchildren.

I hope everyone has been enjoying reading about my journey as much as I have been writing it.

Another Early Extraction

Oh, hindsight how you mock me.

Thursday night I had the worst sleeping experience I’ve had in a long time. I made camp for the night and my legs were moderately sore from the long miles that day. I got in my hammock and over the next hour it became apparent that there was no position I could lay in that was comfortable. No matter how I adjusted by body some pressure was placed on my heels that exacerbated the discomfort in my legs. It was uncomfortable enough that I didn’t fall asleep until after midnight. At midnight I texted my wife and asked her to pick me up at 8:30 am. I knew I couldn’t handle another night of no sleep after hiking big miles, let alone the possibility of 5 nights of uncomfortable sleep. The nearest road was 3 miles away so I would have to hike two hours in the morning to meet her.

When I woke at 5.45  am, trying to move my legs felt like moving bags of concrete. You know how when you fall asleep in a weird position and when you wake up your muscles are all jacked up because of the unnatural positioning? That was me. So when I bailed on my first overnight two weekends ago, I saved myself learning this little gem until this weekend.

The hammock problem is a big one, but there were still other lessons to be learned from this hike. The first being my shoes. Friday morning I found myself second guessing any step that resulted in flat foot placement on a rock surface that was sloped downhill. I’m sure this is partially due to my fall, but the pattern of slipping has me concerned. I don’t recall having this issue with my other hiking shoes. Perhaps a shoe change is necessary.

I also found that merino wool is itchy to me once I’m no longer clean (having hiked an entire day). Merino is supposed to be the softest wool, but some folks still find it itchy. Under normal circumstances it feels just fine but I won’t be spending most of my time hiking under normal circumstances. I’ll be dirty and sweaty so it only makes sense to wear something that is still comfortable in those conditions. I will almost certainly be swapping out the wool for synthetic versions.

My hammock issue was so big that I struggled to even think about it yesterday. How could I be six weeks away from leaving and still dealing with a problem so large that it could end my journey before it even begins? I felt stupid for waiting so late to spend a night in the hammock. I never would have guessed it’d feel different after a long day of hiking compared to the times I’ve laid in it casually. I took to the hammock forums with my newest plight and there’s a chance that I can make an adjustment to how the hammock is hung that will alleviate the problem. Baring that, the decision tree for making a change gets ugly in a hurry. Few hammocks are built with flat bottoms, as this either requires seams at places where the material is stressed the most or an asymmetrical design. The other problem is that hammocks are not popular. I can’t walk into REI and try out a bunch of brands/designs. Hammock outfitters are a smaller, cottage industry for the most part. There’s typically a lead time for ordering, and they’re expensive. At $200-300 each, trying out various hammocks without knowing what will be comfortable is an expensive endeavor.

All of this leads me to question if a hammock is really the right sleep system for me. Perhaps I need to be looking at tents and sleeping pads. I initially went with a hammock for a couple reasons. I’m not the best ground sleeper, I believed a hammock set up would be lighter, and I would not be limited to where I can find flat spots on the ground. In light of my troubles I’m willing to give ground sleeping a shot. It also turns out my assumptions on weight savings were bogus. This morning I decided on the tent, sleeping pad, and sleeping bag I would buy, if needed, and it’s only 3 ounces more than my hammock set up! After a couple days spent on the AT I’m also not too concerned about camping spots, as I’ve come across them frequently.

I’m also considering buying a new pack. My pack is a frame-less pack that is only meant to carry 30 pounds, 25 really. I weighed my pack Thursday morning before we left and it weighed 28.6 pounds fully loaded with food and water. This was the most weight I’ve had in it so far. After a few hours of hiking, I could tell I was basically pushing the limits of what the pack was meant to carry. Most concerning here is that I wasn’t carrying as much food as I might need to in the beginning of my hike, or if I know a dry stretch is coming and I want to carry more water. I was also pushing the limits of the volume capacity of the pack. My pack can contain 50 liters and many of the popular packs are 65 liter packs. I figured with my lighter weight hammock set up a 65 liter pack would be unnecessary. Plus a framed pack is several pounds heavier. However, after my experience this weekend I think it could be worthwhile to have a pack that will accommodate a larger load when it’s needed without causing extra discomfort or worry about the pack holding up. A framed pack is also supposed to distribute the weight to your hips better. 30 pounds in a framed pack will feel lighter than 30 pounds in a frame-less pack.

So here I am at what feels like the 11th hour, presented with the possibility of changing almost everything that matters. Thankfully, due to the fact that I’ve been reading other hikers’ journeys on sites like Appalachian Trials and perusing the forums at whiteblaze.com for the past 2 years, I already know what tents and sleeping bags/pads are popular and tend to work well. I don’t have to start from scratch and that’s the only thing that will probably save me at this point. I also just received an ad in the mail for a huge sale REI is putting on starting next Friday.

So here’s my game plan. I’ll hang my hammock again this weekend and see if I can eliminate that heel pressure. If that doesn’t work I’m headed to REI to exchange my wool clothing for synthetics, and purchase a tent, sleeping pad, sleeping bag, and pack. I’m going to use the two work days I didn’t burn on this trip, because I bailed early, and turn Memorial Day weekend into a 5 day trip. I hope.

Third time is the charm, right? It better be because I’ll only have four weekends after Memorial Day before I’m supposed to be getting in a car headed to Maine, and I’ll be in Jamaica for two of them. Wish me luck!

Another 16 Mile Day

The day started off foggy and just a little moist. I started in Harpers Ferry and hiked South. I kept my pace casual because I knew I wanted my feet to make it the entire day without getting too sore. By noon it looked like I had settled into a good 1.5 mph pace. The sun didn’t poke through the haze until 2 p.m. and it only occasionally made an appearance after that.

I stopped at Buzzard Rocks for lunch and had my first MRE ever, the chili mac. It was pretty good! It came with spice pound cake and bread with cheese spread. The cheese spread tasted just like easy cheese. It also came with tang and Skittles! Mike told me when they would get Skittles it was like gold and everyone would always be trying to trade for other things. The only downside is the chili mac stayed with me for a while.

Shortly after lunch I had my first fall. I’m learning some things about my shoes. Apparently when going downhill if you step flat-footed where your weight is distributed across the entire shoe the soles want to slip. However, if all of your weight is placed on your toes the shoes grip like crazy. Kind of strange and I’m not sure if all Vibram soles are that way or if it’s just this particular model shoe.

I reached my intended stopping point, the northern end of the roller coaster, about 6 p.m. I strung up a hammock and now I’m relaxing for the evening.

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The Real Test

In less than 48 hours, Kristin will be dropping me off in Harper’s Ferry for a 6 day hike. This will be the real test for me. As much as a failed weekend hike was educational, you can luck out, or stretch out, or cling to your “normal” way of life for two days without adopting very many of the habits you’ll need to use on a longer hike. Two days without a shower isn’t earth shattering for most people. Six days is well beyond pushing the envelope.

Rations.

Tonight I went to the grocery store to buy food for the trek. When you need to eat 4,000 calories a day, buying food that is somewhat nutritious can become difficult. This is less important for a 6 day hike but I might as well start learning what it takes now. Staying above 100 calories per ounce, 125 ideally, pretty much restricts you to dense carbohydrates and fats. Your best bet for protein is finding something that is predominantly in the other two categories but also has some protein value to it. What you see in the picture above is enough food to provide 1500 calories a day for 6 days. A buddy of mine who is in the military was generous enough to give me a few of his MREs so I can try those out. I’ll be taking one of them along on this trip. To round out the food selection I’ll be carrying a small bottle of olive oil. At 240 calories per ounce, olive oil approximates the calorie content of pure fat. If I want to help keep pack weight down, adding a splash of olive oil to food where I can saves major weight since most decent foods don’t break 120 calories per ounce. If you want to eat nothing but honeybuns you can get yourself up to 160-180 calories per ounce but I don’t think that’s a great diet strategy long term.

Thursday morning Kristin will drop me off in Harper’s Ferry on her way to work and I’ll start hiking south. My stopping point for that first day is a set location based on how the mileage works out for that section of the trail but after that it’ll be whatever it’ll be. The second day I’ll be tackling the infamous Rollercoaster, called that for the repeated ups and downs you must hike over a 13 mile stretch. I anticipate hiking 80-100 miles during the 6 days. Next Tuesday I’ll call Kristin and give her a pickup location and time to meet me. I should be able to get just inside the northern border of Shenandoah National Park by the sixth day.

The weather looks to be a mixed bag. The temps will range from the high 40’s to the mid-70’s. Based on my experience two weekends ago I will be taking Kristin’s dad’s down sleeping bag to use as a topquilt. Originally I had planned to use his bag late in my thru-hike as the weather started to get colder but after experiencing how uncomfortable just a 50 degree night with a slight breeze could be, I think a top quilt may be necessary for the beginning of my trip as well. I’ll probably order one from Wilderness Logics, the same place I got my underquilt, rather than continue to use the sleeping bag because the weight savings is quite substantial. For $165, I can save myself from carrying an extra 1.25 pounds for 2,190 miles. I’m also hoping it rains at some point during the day so I can test out how well the umbrella works. People who use them swear by them.

Once I’ve completed this trip I’ll make any remaining tweaks to my gear post about what exactly will be in my pack when I leave for Maine.

On an non-hiking related topic, I recently realized quitting my job on June 10th would leave me without health insurance when we travel to Jamaica for our wedding anniversary the following week. My coverage through Maryland’s exchange won’t start until July 1st. Choosing to travel internationally during the three week window where I wouldn’t have health insurance is a fairly dumb idea, so I’m probably pushing my last day back to June 24th. That still leaves me with a week to tidy everything up at home before my departure.

With that new information in mind, I have 23 more work days left, 52 days total, until I leave for Maine.